One made it so that the word “love” is dirty and bad to me
It is love-making and play at the primal level of our true self
It’s a scary thought because I don’t want to be seen as any less, and many see submissive as weak individuals, when in fact we are quite opposite. My mother, i’ve wanted to tell, however lately i’ve done nothing but apparently disappoint her, which hurts me deeply. I’ve never had a great relationship with her anyways, but still, she’s my mother, and to know i’m her greatest failure is just more reasons as to why I am the way I am. Why I think of myself so lowly and harshly. Why I feel people like me don’t deserve happiness or pretty things. Why I feel it’s only a matter of time before Master leaves. It’s horrible to think that way, but I don’t know how else to think sometimes. It’s as if my own past has brainwashed me over and over, no matter how hard I try to overcome things. I’m getting better though, and I know it’s going to take time to break a lifetime habit. One day at a time……
“You were not the one who ruined me this way. You were not the one who hurt me. There is a long line of those people though; each one left a scar on me. One made it so when you want to help me, I go behind my wall because I don`t want to give you ammunition against me. One made it so that the voice in my head screaming that I am a fat pig gets louder each day. I haven`t hurt myself in a long while, but that is because I stay busy. Always juggling a job, home, us…my little obsessions that I find that keep me distracted from the pain and the hurt inside. You cannot make my demons go away. I am the only one who can. And sometimes giving into the voices of the past is the easiest thing to do. (más…)